3 more expansions till retirement.

[Hagan]

****Warning: Will probably contain adult language.****

Elohssa the Warlock trudged up the snowy hill, the path still visible, despite him being the only resident on the mountain. The developers had decided the path had to exist, so he didn't have to dig it out, or spread rock salt to keep it clear. It was a twenty minute trek up the path to his home, and he was undead and tired, making this walk ever more tedious.

He leaned on his staf for support, and pushed ever onwards, trying to fight the stiffness in his joints and muscles. The undead didn't like the cold, stay still too long and you'd freeze up, the only way to get limber again would be to get warm again and fast. Its the only reason the undead wore clothing, it wasn't like they had modesty to contend with anymore.

A small bird chirped a happy tune in a tree, churping away a tine to attract a mate, just as it had been programmed too. It wasn't its fault really, it had no choice in the matter, so it wasn't surprised when it got vaporised by the fireball hurled by the disgruntled warlock. A minute after he passed, it respawned and carefully looked around before resuming its song once more.

Up ahead, on the crest of this part of the mountain was his home, his castle of doom, his fortress of impenetrableness. It was the perfect defence aganst all those who would come looking for his head. It was designed to be the ultimate counter to theives, hero's and assassins alike. He wiped his feet on the 'welcome mat' and enterd his humble wooden log cabin.

He put his staff into the umbrella stand next to the door, along with the other staves he'd picked up over his playing career, and got about making a warm drink (another handy way to keep warm, use warm liquids). He looked at the fireplace and sighed deepy to himself, he was out of wood again, he'd been called out so fast he hadn't had time to restock.

He began the summoning spell, manipulating the eldrich energies available to him and summoned his Fel guard minion, a DPS monster without feeling or remorse. A towering juggernaut equiped with a demon axe, able to cut through any foe with ease.

"Oi, knub-nuts, go out and chop some wood." said the warlock "And be quick about it, I'm freezing."

The demon left the cabin, grumbling to itself. Elohssa sighed once more, and started to clean out the ashes from the fireplace. It had been a long day, he wasn't in the mood for arguing with his 'pets'

"Pets are we?" came a voice like gravel, over his shoulder.
"Yes, pets. Or would you prefer minions?" asked the warlock. he didn't turn around, he knew who it was. Garnul, his Voidwalker was bugged. The dev's knew about it but couldn't seem to fix him, so he tended to appear and disapear at will. You didn't summon him, he just showed up when he felt like it.
"I'd prefer 'Evil minion to the dread lord Elohssa', but you tend to shy away from that sort of gig, prefering small time and dungeon running. Would it kill you to poison a village or two, burn a town to the ground, or lay waste to a city?"

Elohssa walked over to the nearest window, and pointed to a nearby mountain peak, just at the edge of his draw distance settings.
"See that intimidating Fortress of Doom" over there?"
Garnul floated over to the window, and saw the impressive sigh "Aye, owned by the Doom Lord Varakul, rght?"
"Yup... keep watching. He wiped out a village of peons earlier today, and was part of an assault on an alliance outpost in Un'Goro Crater."
"Seems like typical Warlock behaviour... why is it on fire?"
"Ah, noticed that eh?" said the Warlock, putting the ashed in the handy bucket by the fire "Turns out, if you go around pissing people off, they come knocking on your door to kill you, pis on you corpse and steal your stuff. A bit like divorce lawyers."
The castle exploded, showering the moutainside it sat on with debris and fire.

The Felguard re-entered the cabin carrying a load of wood, dumped it in the fireplace, and went back for the rest, grumbling all the way. The sounds of shrill singing came echoing through the hills, geting louder and louder to th beat of flapping wings.

"Oh good, the tee-totaler has arrived." Said Elohssa as he headed for the door to open it. He'd needed components for each of his demons, and each one needed certain components. One universal component had been hearts, that was an important one for the summoning process, and he'd had to make do with what he could get.

Teala burst through the door, almost knocking Elohssa off his feet.
"... to Paaaarrttyyyy." she screamed out drunkenly, before falling flat on her face, and passed out, the empty bottle of vodka rolling away from her hand.

A half an hour later she was sat at the table, sipping a large cup of coffee, and nursing a headache. Elohssa had changed out of his robes, after Teala had thrown up over them, and was wearing his old work clothes. Nearby in a dog backet was his imp Gelgup, lay there watching them both expetantly wagging its tail.

"So, good night out was it?" asked the warlock.
"Sort of... I may have killed someone."
"They'll respawn."
"True... its your fault you know." she said, nursing her head "I blame you for all my actions."
"I needed a heart, the girl was in college,and she was healthy. How was I too know she was an alchoholic and a party girl?"
"Her t-shirt with 'wanton wench' writen across the front should have been a clue."
It was a little known fact that personality traits are carried over when you use someone elses heart to summon demons. Its why summoners used the hearts of hero's and strong men to summon battle creatures, and beutiful women for succubus. In hindsight, he should have included a few livers in the spell, give her some alchohol tollorence.
"So why are you back home anyway, shouldn't you be out dungeon running, or making bombs or something?" she asked testily.
"Nah, our users logged out, he's asleep I think. I get a few hours to myself, so came home to relax. You?"
"Was being chased by guards, got drunk, lured some idiots to thier deaths, drank some more, had some fun with a club, drank some more, threw up over you."
The fire spat and crackled in the silence betweent he two. Of all his minions, he found talking to her the hardest, due to the fact she resented him for accidentally turning her into a drunk. She obeyed his commands, provided he didn't order her about so much.
"I'm going to bed, try not to screw anything up." she said, disapearing into the bedroom, which he never used anyway.

Gelgup got out of his basket and wandered over to Elohssa, a squeeky toy in his mouth and a questioning look in his eye's. He'd needed a small heart for the imp, and used one from his wifes Yorkshire terrier. He didn't feel so bad about it, the dog hated her anyway, and she'd tried to make him get rid of it when he was alive. He'd snuck back home once to find it chained up in the yard, soaking wet in the rain and unloved, whilst his wife... widow, got on with her life and her new husband inside. He decided right there and then to get his dog back, killed it and took the heart to ressurect it in an imps body.
He didn't blame his user for creating him, after all, he didn't know that for every undead character created on the server an npc had to despawn to make the character. He'd had a decent enough life as an NPC, but he'd never been happy with it, the repetitiveness was just too boring.
He took the toy from the imps mouth and gave it a few satisfying squeeks before tossing it away The imp ran after it like an eager puppy, trailing bits of spit and drool over the floor as he ran after it to retreive it. He made a note too get a bone for him the next time he was out.

He checked his mail whilst he relaxed, and found it depressing. Gold farmers, spam mail, join our guild, your guild suxxor, will /dance for money etc, the usual crap. There where so many recruitment mails trying to poach him away from hsi guild, it was sickening. Warlocks where few in number as they tended to get preyed upon by rogues and paladins, so any decent ones that made it high enough where rare as hell and in demand.
That said, he found it oddly flattering that he had dozens of these mails a week. Still, it was a little worrying, as high level warlocks where getting increasingly scarce.
Browsing through his death threats, he noticed that a lot of them where from paladins, mostly using the words overpowered, bastard and cocksucker to make their points. It was nice to see that the education standards where so high across europe. If only they'd learn to read backwards, then they'd know he wouldn't give a shit.
He took a bite out of his liver and onion sandwich and picked up the paper, taking a peek on current events. 'Hawk had retired from the game, and gave away all his gold and gear to a lucky lvl 3 warrior who happened to be passing. The guild 'Brothers in Shadow' had gone bankrupt after overcharging and loosing business. The liver snatcher struck again, killing several NPC's and three players and taking their livers for some unholy purpose'
Elohssa took another bite out of his sandwich, and made a note to go 'shopping' again soon.
Suddenly his body froze, and the sky darkened, and he felt himself getting tired. The time of server maintenance was once more upon them all.

More to come when I have more time to do it. Based on a WoW character I had, and I often wondered what happened when I was logged out.

[Jaraj]

Great another reality show. Now the users want to watch what we do in our time offline.

[Mishy]

only the characters Jaraj only the characters.

Nice story btw i want to see more!

[Hagan]

***Warning: More bad language***

The mist flowed eerily over the ground outside Stratholme, as two lowly figures, hidden by the local scrub, watched for their prey to arrive. The land here reeks of death and decay, as an eldrich energy buzzes across the air itself. Disfigured by the ravages of undeath, both men sit and contemplate evil as dire as their surroundings. Let us listen in on these individuals.

"Why are we pulling this shit in our off hours?" Asked Elohssa as he sat looking at the gates of Stratholme.
"Well I do it because I like to hear people scream. Your doing it to get out of the house... besides we haven't spoken in weeks. What's your user up to?" Said Tezcatlipoca, master undead assassin, and griefer to the stars.
"He's leveling an alt. Turns out that the guild needed a crafter and no-one wanted to spent the gold to get one up to max level. So, I have a lot of free time on my hands."
"Damn slackers. How are you supposed to annoy alliance players if your offline all the time?"
"Damned if I know. I'm, getting pissed at Teala's attitude though. You'd have thought 7 patches and a debugging would have sorted the lot of them out, but no. My minions are driving me nuts."
Tezcatlipoca just nodded. He'd met all Elohssa's pets, and they certainly where bugged. Gelgup was fine, but the rest bitched, whined and complained every chance they had. It had made the warlock unique, and not in a good way.
Worse still, his fiend had started to go a little perculiare. Something from the users filtered through into their personalities as they played, chatted and went about the game. Elohssa's had been slowly but surely been loosing his temper, he was sure of it.
"So whats the bet today then." asked the warlock suddenly.
"We have several. Partial wipe, Full wipe and Wipe and Return. First is a 7 too 1 bet, second is a 3 too 1 bet, third is a 5 too 1 bet. All bets to be considered and taken as they gather."
"Sounds good. Upper bet?"
The rogue considered his options. Elohssa was good at this game, he'd only lost a few gold in the year he'd played, yet had won vast amounts off Tez. He'd have been bankrupt a long time ago had it not been for AOE farming on the Hinterlands, with Agral, Sun and Elohssa. He was slightly ashamed of the gambling, but what was the fun of being a rogue unless you frittered away your money foolishly?
The sound of incoming hoofbeats in the distance caught their attention. A group, no, a BIG group was heading their way. Both made sure they where in cover, and Tez peeked out too see what awaited them.
It could onlybe described as a zerg. No one could co-ordinate that many players all at once, it was impossible, not without voice comms and an elite core of officers. He caught site of there guild tag and his heart sank a little. He ducked his head back into cover, only too see the warlock with a wide grin on his face.
"I bet ten gold on a partial wipe." said the warlock.
"You bastard, you could have let this one slide, just this once."
"Not a chance in hell. Never miss a chance to bet on a sure thing."

"We gather here today, in memory of our beloved king Terenas Menethil II, his champion Uther 'The Light Bringer'. Their deaths and sacrific's for the kingdom are an inspiration too us all." Spoke the leader.

"Oh please, just skip the speach and die already." said Tez.

"I myself was inspired to create the knighthood, as a shining example to all those who wished for the glory of Lorderon restoration, to drive out the Scourge and bring about a new dawn for our people. Today, we take that first big step towards restoration. Today we take back Stratholme!"

Cheers and woops went up, as everyone prepared for combat.

"Fucking roleplayers."

"Take arms my stalwart freinds. For glory!" Said the leader as they all charged into the main doors, all screaming their ferocious battle cry of "NI".

"Why did we end up with a chapter of the 'Knights that say NI' on a frigging pvp server?" asked the rogue, as the last of them disapeared though the door.
"I think they where after a challenge, and came over from a roleplay server. Everyone loves a bit of Monty Python, but I agree they take it too far. Ordering dead parrots and reciting old MP sketches does get tiresome after a while. But they do the roleplay well enough."
Tez nodded. Their leader Thorondir was the only paladin on the server to agro and be killed by a bunny rabbit in the starting area. A moderator admited to the act, citing it was an april fools gag, but the story got around, and the Knights where well and truly christened.
What they lacked was skill, if not numbers. They attracted people new to the game, or with personalities that excluded them from other guilds (I.E. Dicks) . They had the will to succed, just not the co-ordination, levels or the personal skill requirement.

"Here's your money." Said a sullen Tez, handing over the cash.
"Don't feel so bad, its only gold. I'll just add it to the several hundred I've already have off of you." he said, smiling back.
"So, we gonna gank the survivors again?"
"Aye. I'll even let you have all the loot this time, to make up for your loss. Standard arrangement, Felguard takes the leader, you take the preist, I'll AOE the rest."

They flanked the main doors and set up, waiting for the inevitable core of battered leaders to leave the city. It was the same every time they had seen the Knights, with 30+ members getting wiped whilst the leaders managed to get out with minimal health left. And every time, the two of them had been waiting like the oppertuistic tools they where.
"You ever think what we do to these guys is wrong?" asked Tez.
"Occasionally. But then I remember that my penis is pickled in a jar above my fireplace, and suddenly all feelings of remorse vanish."
"For the last time its not your cock, its just some random decoration you swiped from Temple of Atal'Hakkar. You only call it your cock because you have this weird fixxation with phallic objects."
"Damn it, I'm a male character with nothing in the crotch region to show for it! I'll have something to prove my manhood exists, even if it is just a bunch of pixels in the shape of a filled jar. I deserve a scrotum!"

The Knights high command managed to exit just in time. They had all wiped on the first skeletons, but he was sure they where making progress. One of them had even died under their assault! Next time, they WOULD gain access to the city proper...
A felguard appeared in front of him, and punched him squarely in the face, dropping him instantly. The preist saw two points pop out of her chest (that where not a part of her minimalist armour OR breasts) and died before she could pop off a heal. The fire rained down upon the rest of the 4 beaten members, killing them before they properly respawned.
They panned their camera's around to see thier arrackers, and where struck with a feasome sight. He stood six feet tall, his red crown of power radiating malevolent evil, his robe, a fearsome dark green that seemed to create an eldrich cloud of death and ecay about him. He was indeed a nemesis worthy of the Knights, an enemy WORTH persuing.

Both of the undead rode back to the Undercity laughing all the way, neither one willing to miss the oppertunity of a shared cheap laugh.
"Mind if I ask you something Elo?"
"Shoot."
"The red fez hat thingy and a Lime green robe?"
"Ah, equipment. The hats from Scarlet Monestary, and the robe was a random drop from Hinterlands last month. There both the best I can get my grubby mits on, and I like the stat boosts. Plus the sight of me alone surprises the shit out of people enough for them to visably pause. Seconds count to a caster, remember."
"You look like a tool."
"And? I wear a dress FFS, I'm hardly going to be the height of fashion. Besides, who in thier right mind would consider me a threat?"

Authors notes: The Knights who say NI appear in pretty much EVERY mmo. Its not the same people each time, and their skill level varies. They are usually roleplayers, and most I have encountered tend to be desperate to keep members. The last few guilds I met had a turnover of 40 members a week, and last about 3 months max.
My time playing Elohssa was indeed fun, and I did tend to make phallic references often. I also saw a phallic looking specimen in a jar in A dungeon, but I can't remember where exactly, just that I wanted player housing so I could have one over the fireplace.
I also used a sword and orb on my Warlock, rather than a staff. As you can imagine, I spent many hours talking out my 'orbs' when bored, usually in Barrens chat, as well as explaining about my 'big chopper'. I got very good at annoying the idiots there (Barrens chat is filled with pillocks on EVERY server, no one knows why. If you need to find the most childish and petulant pricks on your server, that's where you went to look for them).

And yes, we used to greif certain people if we knew they where roleplayers. They never complained or reported us, and seemed to take delight in getting their backsides handed to them.

[Mishy]

Roleplaying on any other server than an RP or RP-PVP server is dangerous people don't have to follow and griefing is reportable last time i played WoW

Nice job on the story!